The Elephant in the Room

an article by Be Greater Than

January 14, 2021

I remember it like it was yesterday. The image of my phone sailing through the warm evening air will forever be etched in my memory. What had just happened? How did I get to that moment?

I have never been an angry person. Violence is not my thing. If I am being transparent, I would have to say I am one of the most even-tempered individuals I know.

So, why had I just cast my phone into oblivion?

The answer: my new bride had hung up on me.

I remember feeling fear. Where had such anger come from? How had I so quickly vanished into such an uncharacteristic outburst of negative emotion? Was this action really “of me”?

The events of that evening, some 15 years ago, set in motion a journey which has brought forth unique insight into why we do the things we do. For a little over a decade, I have questioned, observed, and reflected on various aspects of human interaction and behavior. I have read books, listened to great speakers, watched countless interviews, and spoken with several knowledgeable professionals in the fields of psychology, sociology, medicine, religion, and education.

From my own focused reflection, I discovered the reason I had lost myself in anger that evening. The revelation changed the way I approach life. I had discovered a hidden puppet master, who sat in the back of my mind, silently pulling strings.

When I then turned my eyes toward the world, I discovered the puppet master was nowhere near as hidden as I had once believed. In fact, it was there in broad daylight. It was as plain as the nose on my face. This force was more predictable than the weather.

As the years past, I began to witness how much this force impacted every life on the planet. In 2019 the world was rocked by a pandemic. However, humanity has been plagued by a greater foe for countless years.

The most dangerous part is that our culture is actively trying to hide this elephant in the room. We are being conditioned to ignore it. We strive to distract ourselves from it. We tell ourselves it is an illusion, or imaginary. We have learned to do everything to dance around it. Those who attempt to name it are called weak. They are shamed.

Let me walk you through the discovery.

Full disclosure: I have absolutely no idea what our argument had been about 15 years ago. I do not remember what was said. What I remember was emotion.

That is where the reflective digging began.

I had lost my temper when my wife hung up on me. Why? Because, it was disrespectful and she abandoned communication. What do I feel now? I feel like the person who is meant to care for me the most doesn’t care about me at all. Why do you feel that way? Because you don’t end communication with someone you love. You don’t abandon them. So what does this mean? She doesn’t love me. How does that feel? What did you feel first? What was there before every other negative emotion, action, or though?

It hurt me. I felt pain. A great and terrible, fear inducing pain!

Pain, the Elephant in every room.

I want you to think about the last time you had a transparent conversation about things that cause you pain. Can you identify a time? Were you comfortable discussing your pain? Who did you speak to? How much did you share? Also, how or why did the conversation come up?

Often times these conversations are reserved for a close confidant. In these situation we find it hard to be completely open about how we feel. Fear, a symptom of pain exposure, stifles our willingness to be open and honest, even with those we care for most. Many times we refuse to talk about pain until it becomes impossible to avoid.

After years of observation, research, and reflection, I believe it has become absolutely necessary for our culture to address some truths about pain.

1. Pain is inevitable and unavoidable.
2. Pain is subjective.
3. Our perception of pain impacts nearly every aspect of our life.

And finally,

4. We must recognize and address pain to live

our most effective life.

Unaddressed, the Elephant has its way.

As stated earlier, fear is a symptom of pain exposure. Think about something you fear. Now, remove the possibility of pain. What would there be to fear?

Both pain and fear tend to cause humanity to see weakness. We respond to accusations of weakness with anger and aggression.

Therefore, our perception of pain is an avenue to fear, anger, and aggression. This is the elephant‘s way.

Why does any of this matter?

Look at your world. Reflect on your life. Observe your classroom. Do you see fear, anger, aggression, frustration, disrespect, hate, depression, stress, anxiety?

These are symptoms of unaddressed pain.

These are signs that the elephant is pulling the strings.

So what do I do?

Address the pain. Ask yourself “How is this hurting me?” “How does this cause me pain?” What do I need to do, what thinking needs to change, in order to address this pain perception?

Sometimes we will see that the perception is unfounded.

Sometimes we will notice we are overly sensitive to certain triggers.

Sometimes we will recognize things we need to avoid or address.

The first step is becoming aware of the elephant.

Check in next week to further discuss how Addressing Pain Makes All the Difference!